It's ok to take your time - lessons from my youngest

I am so very proud of my youngest child!

Diagnoses & Differences

They've been a lot in their 20 years on this planet.

From the age of 15 Indie attempted to get an ADHD diagnosis through CAMHs, having researched why her and her Dad struggled with so many things. After two years dealing with the bureaucratic and baffling way that CAMHs works and mostly due to being home-educated (so it seems) there was no diagnosis. CAMHs washed their hands of Indie, despite her decline in mental health, having ignored everything that both Indie and I said. At least they passed Indie to someone to be assessed for autism.

In 2023 Indie was diagnosed autistic, followed in close succession by their older sibling and me. It was suggested that we were all very likely ADHD with the irony not lost on me following Indie's experience with CAMHs. [I have been diagnosed ADHD and both kids are on a waiting list for diagnosis. Indie's Dad was diagnosed ADHD whilst Indie was still under the 'care' of CAMHs!]

This was swiftly followed by a diagnosis of allergies to dogs, dust mites and grass pollen. Indie had always suffered with chest infections and bad colds as a child but it had been getting a lot worse. We requested a private referral for some basic allergy tests. Although the diagnosis was helpful it has also had a significant impact on Indie’s life and still impacts where they can go. Being around dogs or in any building with carpets often leads to a couple of days suffering with symptoms that look like a common cold. This can lead to asthma attacks and an increased allergic reaction to other things too.

Before being diagnosed with either allergies or autism, Indie tried to attend York College to gain her Maths and English GCSEs like their older sibling did. Indie couldn’t deal with the noise, lighting , waking up early, or the constant changing of routine (teachers, timetable, etc.) which all caused lots of meltdowns and panic attacks, so they made the difficult decision to leave after only 3 months.

What followed was a period of regrouping for Indie as to what to do, how to do it whilst also dealing with their late-diagnosed, neurodivergent parents, various diagnoses of their own and general life challenges.

Why am I writing all this?

Because Indie is an inspiration to me. Navigating their physical and neuro-divergent challenges, they set boundaries but still make themselves available to anyone who wants support with their mental health / diagnoses (autism and ADHD are special interests.) It's wonderful to watch.

Recently they enrolled on a Creative Writing course to test their study skills before attempting Math and English GCSEs in September. They set a goal to finish the course before the end of July if possible and before the start of the other courses as a back-up plan.

This was a Level 3 course, equivalent to an A Level, meaning it was above anything they had ever done before. She set herself weekly targets and sorted out her work stations. They, like me, need various environments to work in so that when one space stops working we can move to the next place (it’s an ADHD thing we reckon!) easily.

On Thursday 31st July, Indie got the score for their Unit 10 – the last unit. It took her 107 days to complete the course which included writing scripts, travel writing, short stories and the start of a novel. If the course was graded they would have got a A*, 9, Distinction or a First (or whatever the top marks are!!)

The final comment was “Your story is gripping and gritty, It is true to life and demands the readers attention. You should be very proud of your work and the way you have progressed through the duration of this course. I’m sure, one day, you will have a book published as your style of writing is excellent and definitely make you want to keep reading.”

My Thoughts

They set a target of completing the course before August. Even when one of the earlier units took a while to be marked Indie carried on working towards further units because they had the energy. They reckoned having to amend them based on feedback was better than waiting and then being laid low with an allergy attack or not having the ‘spoons’. And they did what they said and completed the course before August!!

It has been hard to watch my offspring struggle with such thoughts as: not being “ADHD” enough to get a diagnosis; thinking that they are stupid and/or gullible; always worried about being misunderstood; looking back at their un-diagnosed existence and wondering what life would have been like with support, understanding and accommodations, and thinking they are weak because of getting ‘ill’ so much.

It is wonderful to see Indie get the recognition I know they deserve for being amazing, insightful and talented. I and her family have always known that she is amazing but when society suggests that at 19 someone should have their school qualifications, be out and about looking for a job or going to university or whatever, being out and about with friends, etc. it is hard when your child cannot do those things for various reasons.

Being Yourself

My amazing youngest has shown me what it looks like to: set your own time scales, take care of yourself, set boundaries on what energy/spoons you have and can use, and be truly authentic and accepting of who you are. She continues to teach me every day with her determination but also her acceptance and acknowledgement of their disabilities. This has been easier to see whilst they have negotiated this course but they do it throughout their life.

I see you

Indie, I salute you and massive congratulations on your achievement and for being who you are. I hope you keep teaching me through how you navigate your life with courage, acceptance, compassion and grit.

For anyone out there navigating mental health struggles, neurodivergence differences, physical challenges or not fitting in with societal norms or expectations, I salute you too and I see you. You have a right to be here and take up your space.